are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
