Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
