toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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