I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
