I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
