Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I will pee on everything he values.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
