Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
