she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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