Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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