I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
