forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
