Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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