You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
