If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
