New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
