Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize