If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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