I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
We are two peas in an std pod
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
false alarm, still single
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
