hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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