I cannot find my penis.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
