WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize