Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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