you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
