No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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