I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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