just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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