This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
