shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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