I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
