I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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