I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
