party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
