I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
