My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
