I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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