I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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