I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
