All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
