I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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