: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize