be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
