i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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