There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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