it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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