these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
