you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
