I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
