He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
