hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
