70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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