they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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