My friends, they love my intelligence
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
