Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
