We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
organizing the empties. That sober.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
