life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
