so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
