he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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