i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
