I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
