I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
