$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Houston, we have a blender
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
