Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
